[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
sigh
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.