[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same