My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Netflix and you sit over there.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django