i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.