Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
me irl
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.