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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?