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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.