@thesulk: Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
@BuckyIsotope: WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
@JimmerThatisAll: I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
@SequelsWeWant: Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can't beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
@Sassafrantz: Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]
@Thynebear: Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.