Driving in Europe vs Canada
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Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*sewing*
A thread
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’