ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.