Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
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“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.