My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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Venn
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Cardio Made Easy
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.