@Mish3l_Ali: Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying "Thank You", she's all like "How did you get into my house!"
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?” Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
@Tommytoughstuff: [Jail] INMATE: I killed a guy. SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
@breatheandlove: On the news: there's a shortage of maternity-ward staff. You could say it's a bit of a…*looks away* *mumbles* MIDWIFE crisis! (…sorry.)
@bobvulfov: Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? "hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i'm down with what ur saying"