Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.