If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done