I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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They’re not wrong
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
dutch so unserious
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.