I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”