Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
(yawn)
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
God, I love Scotland
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend