Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God