Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
OMG 🤣🤣
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.