Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie