I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.