if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.