GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
This is Sparta
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I mean…but I did
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.