Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
You Might Also Like
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies