Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several