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Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.