Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ