Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
You Might Also Like
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account