girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I love the honesty
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet