Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I know this now 😂
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
when someone rings the doorbell
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US