Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
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Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
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Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
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“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
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Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
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This is why I can’t stand people.
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