[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Note to self: always read the final line
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened