Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
A new level of troll.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*