I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution