a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
You Might Also Like
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I forgot how to panic. Help
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.