That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.