Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I like long walks away from everyone
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir