Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.