I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.