Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.