Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast