giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Covid like
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently