FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
get you a girl who
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?