When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Is….Is this an option?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Here’s a meme
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”