Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.