I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
These are my emotional support Pringles.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week