Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.