me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
They’re on their honeymoon
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.