Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Crying is a sign of leakness.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.