Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.